A very elderly gentleman (mid-nineties), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady (mid-eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully sat and watched.

The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."

Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share everything."

After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while, one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, "Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"

The reply: "The teeth."

A few helpful hints... SENIOR DRESS CODE Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spot
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate "Bad Taste" in fashion for the "Older Folks"...........
14. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Lance Armstrong's record-setting seventh Tour de France victory, along with his entire Tour de France legacy, may be tarnished by what could turn out to be one of the greatest sports scandals of all time. Armstrong is being quizzed by French police after three banned substances were found in his South France hotel room while on vacation after winning the 2005 Tour de France. The three substances found were toothpaste, deodorant, and soap, which have been banned by French authorities for more than 75 years. Armstrong's girlfriend, American rocker Sheryl Crowe, is quoted as saying, "We use them every day in America, so we naturally thought they'd be O.K. throughout Europe." Along with these three banned substances, French authorities also physically searched Armstrong and found several other interesting items that they had never seen before, including a backbone and testicles.

Three tipsy Irishmen were in a cemetery, searching for the oldest person buried there. One of the men, Shamus, yells out, "Here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

This is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida. They hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME : Greg Bulmash
SEX : Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION : Company's President or Vice President. But seriously whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY : $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION : Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD : Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY : Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT : My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING : It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK : Any.
PREFERRED HOURS : 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS : Yes, but they're better suited to more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER : If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS : Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR : I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION : I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE : On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS : Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE : Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE : Aries.

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).

These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri,Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in IRAQ should be over in 1 week.

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

Sermon complete, he then sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'"

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the driveway before it has stopped snowing.

"There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it." -- Chinese Proverb

Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.

Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still getting in!

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.

I love to give homemade gifts...which one of my kids do you want?

A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.

Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.

The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

1. Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.

2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.

3. If you are afraid a full shot might reach the green while the group ahead are still putting, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

4. The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.

5. If it isn't broke, try changing your grip.

6. Golfers who claim they don't cheat also lie.

7. Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

8. A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent's luck.

9. It's surprisingly easy to sink a 50 foot putt when you lie.

10. Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

11. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

12. It's not a gimme putt if you're still away.

13. The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the large tree.

14. There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces and bounces just the way you intended to play it.

15. You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time and a 2-inch branch on a tree 90% of the time.

16. Every time a golfer makes a birdie he must subsequently make three triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.

17. If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods try to hit just short of a water hazard.

18. To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example, backswing 20 miles per hour, handicap, 15, downswing 300 m.p.h.

19. There are two things you can learn by stopping your backswing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which hand is wearing the golf glove.

20. Hazards attract; Fairways repel.

21. You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.

22. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

23. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

24. If both balls are in the sand, yours is in the footprint.

25. Don't buy a putter until you have had a chance to throw it.

26. The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostal: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including: incandescent, fluorescent three way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

Two factory workers were talking.

"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down.

The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss.

So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The blonde began walking out too.

The boss asked her where she thought she was going.

The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Mommy!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Were you sick?" her mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets: 1. They live here; you don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people. 4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and when they have young, you can sell the results.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along.

Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just outside of San Marcos,Texas.

Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"

Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from my deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.

The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.

Winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.

You know someone who went to Chaminade.

Jones Beach Theater is the best place in the world to see a concert. CASE CLOSED!

Is it just me, or is every girl from Rockville Centre a bitch?

Billy Joel said it best, "Either you date a rich girl from the North Shore, or a cool girl from the South Shore."

What's the big deal about the Hamptons?

If you're not from Long Island or NYC, you're not really from New York.

You don't go to Manhattan, you go to "the City"

You know the Belt Parkway sucks!

You never, ever want to "change at Jamaica..."

You never realize you have an accent until you leave.

You know where at least one strip club is.

You can name at least three bands that came from Long Island.

You curse. A lot.

Is Huntington really that cool?

You've been to Utopia at least once.

The goddamn geese are everywhere!

If your parents didn't, your grandparents lived in the city.

At some point in your life you or someone you know has owned an animal that came from North Shore Animal League.

You actually remember when you felt safe swimming at Bar Beach and Hempstead Harbor.

Commack movie theatre scares you

You walk around the mall aimlessly.

You drive around your town with your friends, and that's the most exciting part of your evening.

On the weekend, your evening consists of seeing a movie, going bowling, or playing pool.

When you walk in the city and you see two men holding hands...it becomes normal to you.

No word ends in an ER, just an AH.

You feel like you know Howard Stern.

You live in the shadow of the greatest city in the world, but you never go there.

When you're away from Long Island, you love it and when you're there, you don't.

You know that the beach sucks during the day and is the most magical place in the world at night

You know the exact point at which Queens turns into Nassau simply on intuition.

You're still waiting for a bridge to Connecticut.

You've tried to use your father's monthly ticket to ride the LIRR. It worked.

No matter what you do, you end up at the diner.

Your distant future might involve the state of Florida.

High school sports aren't that important.

You've never been to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

You've tried to find the Amityville Horror house.

Each one of your diverse friends mercilessly makes fun of his own background.

You love that salty smell of the ocean.

No, you don't want mustard on that burger!

The most exciting day of your summer is when all tickets to every Jones Beach show go on sale.

You know White Castle is terrible for you and the food sucks. But, you periodically "Get the Crave"

You want the Yankees to stay in the Bronx, but would probably go to more games if they moved to Manhattan.

You can order a pizza pie and a soda and people will understand.

You felt slighted when Snapple sold out.

You don't associate Fire Island with gay men.

You wanted Hooters to open simply to piss off "decency" groups.

You watched a game show and wondered, "why are these people so happy that they won a trip to New York?"

You like The Brothers McMullen.

When you hear Billy Joel's "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" you try to figure out what places on Long Island he's talking about.

You know that parts of the Godfather were filmed on LI.

You always liked Billy Joel, but as soon as you leave, you love Billy Joel.

At some point in your life, you've gone clamming.

You've been to the Tanger Outlets and came home with nothing to show for it.

You have or someone you know has fallen asleep on the LIRR and ended up in one of these three places; Babylon, Port Washington or Hicksville.

You have been to Mulcahay's on Thanksgiving Eve, the largest ladies night event of every year.

You've missed that "Drunk Train", the 2:42 out of Penn and had the dreaded wait until 5:30.

You think Islip MacArthur airport is cute and you enjoy watching it grow up.

Your parents took you to Nathans or Carvel

You hate the radio commercials for the Dublin Pub

Public beach? What's that?

You can correctly pronouce places like Happauge, Commack, Islip, Islandia, Massapequa.

You know the location of 6 malls and a dozen McDonalds and 36 7-11's.

You grew up thinking Chinese food was a basic food group.

You're used to driving down the street in December and seeing more light-up menorahs than you can shake a latka at. In fact, even your non-Jewish friends know what Matzoh is. And you've never driven more than 10 miles without seeing a temple.

Oh, your parents are from Brooklyn? So are mine!

Yes, admit it, you've cruised the Pike.

You can remember making up rules for "Shotgun" calls in high school.

Your elementary school promoted dodge ball as the top gym activity.

You were upset when all the Roy Rogers turned into Wendy's.

You consider nachos and cheese at the Coliseum to be a suitable dinner date.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Long Island.

The Blackfeet asked their Chief in autumn, if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing the answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the nearest phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man replied, "its going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely" the man replies, "the Blackfeet are collecting wood like crazy!"

This wagon train is heading across the desert, when all of a sudden the wagon master notices that on all sides of the valley, there are Indian guys. He quickly forms the wagons into the "Hollywood" circle, to protect the families in the train. Nothing happens. Soon, drums are heard pounding out in the distance - BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum, BUM, bum, bum, bum.......(the famous Hollywood drum beat from the John Ford movies). The wagon master tells the train, "I don't like the sound of this." From out in the distance comes another voice, saying, "We don't like the sound of it either. He's not our regular drummer!"

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies Manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"--Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"